Everything is starting to make sense now …

Aykayem dancing in a ruined telescope dome

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My oh my, how things have changed since I wrote my first post here!

At the time, I (thought I) was happily married, I seemed to have a good life, and a job that even though it didn’t pay to well, it was one I liked … and the hours were good and the pay was enough with what my husband earned as well … I thought my life was relatively normal … and I had a place in the world, even if I achieved nothing else in life, it now didn’t matter, as I was the mother of my children 🙂 Maybe I was not quite where a younger me had hoped and dreamed I might be, but it was ok …

… but I was not ok … I guess I never really was … that started to become all too evident when things started to unravel …

I guess my life had been unravelling a bit for some time … but the first I noticed anything wrong, apart from a niggling feeling that I wasn’t totally happy, but I couldn’t work out why, was the day my (now ex) husband came home early from work and announced that he was leaving me, as he packed up his things – said had decided we would be happier apart … turns out he was actually right about that … just an … interesting … way of doing things …

At the time I then realised that things had not been right for quite a while … but at that stage I just thought it was him, and the fact that we had not been right for each other … we weren’t … but it turns out there was a lot more to it than just that …

I probably don’t need to do a whole long blog post all about what happened next/since then … I blogged it over at aykayem.blogspot.com … and I think I am going to copy those posts in here, to this blog, if it works …
(By all means, feel free to follow that link and go and read them all over there 🙂

… except I will say that when he left early in 2013, I realised I had not been happy for quite some time, and I started picking up the pieces of my life, and rebuilding … I cleaned up, packed up, and sold “our” house, and bought and moved to my own house, and I was looking for a better job … I was told I was coping really well, and I felt like I was doing fine … but there was one crucial price of the puzzle missing … in fact it had been missing for many, many years … and things stopped getting better, and started getting worse … until last year, when I started to realise that something was not right, but couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong, and I spiralled into a mess of anxiety and depression, and ended up falling apart …

But now, this year, at 54 years of age … I have found that missing piece of the puzzle that I am …

… after a lifetime of feeling alien and different and confused, I have finally found somewhere I fit in, somewhere I belong – and I am actually happy to say that I have joined the ranks of the “late diagnosed Aspies”

Yes – I – who went to university, served in the Army, married and had kids, became involved in all sorts of stuff in the community, and has worked in the same job for about 18 years, until I finally “broke” – am actually Autistic …

… and I am now in the … interesting … process of finding my true self 🙂

Aspie with antennae
Aykayem @UTLAU
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Author: aykayem

I might blog about myself or add some info here ... sometime ... I have mainly been posting on my other blog at http://aykayem.blogspot.com/ but I might start posting a bit more here ... if I can sort of half organise myself enough ... which could be a problem when I am in limbo with an awkward work situation that has also involved me being diagnosed with a stress disorder ... and Autism ... which has started me on a journey of finally finding myself and hopefully becoming an Awesome Aspie :)

5 thoughts on “Everything is starting to make sense now …”

  1. Sometimes we need a “crisis” in our life to bring the real issues to the fore and really find ourselves. Whether it’s a “mid-life crisis”, a major upset in your normal routine or some other trigger that causes you to reassess your life and “discover ” the real you.
    One of the major assistors is the development in science, medicine, and in particular, mental health understanding.
    It’s important to embrace what you learn to get the full benefits of it and educate those around you. It could be tough but you’ll be the better for it.

    1. Exactly!
      … thanks 🙂

      (And when the going gets tough, the tough go Geocaching … or make quilts … or go paddle my kayak on the nearest lake … or walk up to check out the view from the top of some hill 🙂

  2. Aykayem, your blog will soon be added to our Actually Autistic Blogs List (anautismobserver.wordpress.com). Please click on the “How do you want your blog listed?” link at the top of that site to customize your blog’s description.
    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

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